Payback is a Duck!
by kbbandgirl
Summary: Komui is tired of Kanda's potty mouth and death threats corrupting his precious Lenalee. Enter nonsensical censoring chips! Yullen.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my second Yullen fic. Penguins-in-America-Oh-My inspired this one… but I don't remember what it was that she did… I just know that we were talking at sword group and then this idea just appeared out of nowhere… This fic will have about 6 chapters and 2 lemons.

Kanda woke up on a cold metal surface and found Komui standing over him, giant drill in hand.

"Hmm… more gas than…"

He faded out of consciousness as the drill started whirring.

The drug quickly left our young samurai's system, but by that time the operation was finished. His neck was mildly uncomfortable, which would soon fade, and hinted at a larger problem.

Kanda bolted upright.

"Milk! You chocolaty mango! What did you do to me? I'll bake you a cake!" (Shit! You fucking bastard! What did you do to me? I'll kill you!)

His eyes went wide and he slapped his hand over his mouth, death glaring at Komui who had wisely taken cover behind a bookcase.

The supervisor beamed. Operation mouth soap was successful! No more would Kanda's potty mouth corrupt an influence his precious and impressionable Lenalee. He was such a good big brother!

"What the pineapple did you do?"

"Why I merely equipped you with a censoring chip! Now you won't sound like a sailor!"

Unfortunately for Kanda, Lenalee had just returned from a lengthy mission and upon learning the various and sundry things that the supervisor had done/ invented/ perpetrated in her absence she burst into the room seeking justice.

Kanda collected Mugen and left. He wanted Komui to be conscious when he hopped him into little pieces.

A/N: Please review! Oh, and I could use help coming up with 'censored' words.


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Kanda had soba for breakfast, as per usual. No one disturbed him. Lavi was on a mission, Allen was scarfing down food, and no one else was stupid enough to incur his wrath. The Moyashi was seldom annoying when his mouth was full… he shook his head viciously trying to dislodge those sorts of thoughts. Thoughts which, although fascinating, were both improbable and highly distracting.

It was no use. And it was while ruminating upon how best to molest Allen (preferably without losing life or limb at the hands of the Moyashi and/or his Master/ 'father figure') that he walked headlong into the adorable bastard.

Allen, who had toppled over at the unexpected impact, blinked up at him cutely and then… "Watch where you're going Ba-Kanda!"

"Che, be silent darling or I'll bake you a pie!" (Shut up Moyashi or I'll murder you!)

Allen stared at Kanda for a full minute and then, horror of horrors, he began to giggle.

"KOMUI! YOU PORTUGAL! I'LL HUG YOU! MAPLE! YOU'RE PURPLE YOU MELON FARMER!" (Komui! You bastard! I'll kill you! Shit! You're dead you fucking fucker!)

He stormed into the supervisor's office, but Komui was long gone. Lenalee patted him on the shoulder and handed him a note.

_**My dear Kanda, **_

_**By now you are surely wondering how to deactivate my marvelous device. Out of the goodness of my heart I will tell you!**_

_**You must simply get someone with gray eyes to confess their love for you! At that point the spell will be lifted!**_

_**The wise and benevolent supervisor**_

_**P.S. Please note that my lovely Lenalee does not possess gray eyes and that pursuing her will bring you nothing but a painful death**_

Kanda was livid. The bastard's death would be slow and painful… (And would include a fake wedding between Lenalee and some random person…)

A/N: Please review! I apologize for the short chapters (but they make me update faster).


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: My housemates (my cousin Joe and his epically awesome boyfriend George (who's profiles are on mine) ) demanded that I write this chapter immediately. I'm also working on two more Yullen fics, a smutty one-shot and a super long 10 chapter one featuring copious amounts of Cross.

That evening Lenalee, who was getting rather frustrated with her brother, told Allen about Kanda's predicament.

Having narrowly escaped being one of Komui's test subjects, the Brit felt a little guilty. At the same time, he couldn't really apologize without pissing the samurai off more… but then a thought struck him.

As a result (of the idea), the next day when Kanda finished his training he found an adorable Moyashi waiting for him. Before he could get upset at this intrusion, Allen handed him a cup of tea and a jug of water. Kanda was at a loss for words, but he didn't need them. The white haired boy had already disappeared.

After a few minutes the shock had worn off and Kanda sipped the tea. He smirked, "Apology accepted Mo-… Allen"

(Note that the chip won't let him say "Moyashi")

Xxxx

Several hours later Kanda walked out of a science department storage room carrying a large coil of rope and a small vile labeled "Love Potion".

Kanda wanted his profanity back. He also wanted something else but the censorship was a damn good excuse. He knew what he had to do. He just hoped that Moyashi wouldn't hate him after this.

A/N: The next chapter will contain lemon #1!

Reviews are made of love!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: There's a little (one-sided) dubious consent (which won't make sense until you read it) in this but no angst. Well, okay maybe a little but only on Kanda's part.

Kanda paced around his room waiting until Allen walked past on his way back from lunch. In the meantime, he muttered every profane, mean, or slightly disparaging word he could think of looking for loopholes.

Xxx

"Oi, Whitey!"

"What do you want Ba-Kanda?"

"Here," he thrust a pair of creampuffs under Moyashi's nose. "The fluffy bunny (Damn Rabbit) gave me these and I don't feel like finding a garbage can."

Allen tilted his head, Kanda was never this talkative. Something was definitely up, but… the pasteries smelled so good. Besides it wasn't like they were poisoned (*cough*) no, if the samurai had wanted him dead he'd do it the hard way.

The Moyashi stuffed them in his mouth and collapsed as soon as he swallowed the last of it. Kanda caught him, hoisted him over his shoulder, and carried him inside. (The 'love potion' was in one creampuff while a sleep medication was in the other)

Allen woke up felling decidedly feverish and oddly tingly. He opened his eyes only to find Kanda looming over him with a weird and extremely scary expression on his face.

Moyashi tried to bolt upright and flee (or at least get to a more easily defensible location) … he couldn't. He was tied to the bed, and rather firmly at that. Although he probably could have escaped if he really tried, he decided to stay put long enough to see what Kanda was up to.

"Allen," Kanda murmured, eyes roving over him possessively (and a bit lecherously).

The warm tingles increased. Surely he wouldn't… would he? The dark side of Moyashi smiled in an evil smug way (but only on the inside). Damn he was good. And here he thought he was gonna have to seduce, charm and blush until the older boy snapped.

He was very curious to see what Kanda would do next, and he decided that continuing to act all cute and innocent was the best way to achieve his goal.

"Wha-what are you…"

Xxx

A/N: This was supposed to be a full on lemon but my muse is being a whiney bitch. The lemon will be coming as soon as possible.

Joe and George are currently *ahem* researching the different possibilities and will report their findings (Helping make it a little more realistic but mostly because they were bothering me while I was trying to write).

Reviews are made of love. I'm also taking requests (any pairing, any premise, any series) so let me know what you want to see.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: The jury is in! (It took forever because Joe is a pervert and George is irresistibly adorable) So, I know where I'm taking this, but I have two huge (20+ pages each) papers coming up. I'm working on this whenever I get a few minutes but it still might take a little while.

"Wha-what are you…"

"I'm going to adventure you." Kanda said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Allen looked at him inquiringly, but then he remembered the 'spell thing.'

The Moyashi sighed and pouted, as if resigning himself to his fate.

Kanda chuckled darkly relishing in his victory and very glad that he had found that love potion thing.

Now, where should he start? Hmmm..this whole thing would be a lot more fun if he could swear…. It'd be easiest if he made Moyashi beg…

He vaguely recalled Lavi asking Cross for advice on women (something which still gave him nightmares). Well he should probably get him relaxed first.

Xxxx

The Moyashi, however, was very far from relaxed when Mugen was drawn. And even less so when his clothes were cut off, the cool metal of the sword barely brushing his skin in the process.

Kanda cast around for ideas. Well, he always felt better when he worked the knots out of his shoulders. He went into the bathroom and fetched the massage oil that that Lenalee had randomly given him a few months ago. It was (appropriately) lotus scented.

Whatever Allen had expected to happen after Kanda cut the rope, flipped him over, and clicked the oil open, it definitely wasn't strong hand rubbing his upper back. It was very nice. He sighed contentedly.

A few minutes later he was downright purring and it was cute as hell.

Kanda couldn't help but smirk smugly as the Moyashi stretched out and arched his back, allowing him more access.

Allen sighed contentedly, "love you."

Kanda chuckled. Well that was easy.

As soon as Allen realized what had said he froze like a deer in headlights.

The samurai merely rolled his eyes and patted the boy's head. "Good Moyashi."

To be continued…


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Now presenting the long awaited lemon. My boss was afraid that I'd work myself to death so he made me take time off. This chapter is George's fault, he is the master of manipulation through cuteness. Also, I will cover the whole name thing later, promise.

Kanda was pleased. His profanity was back and he had a naked Moyashi spread out on his bed.

It was time to claim his prize. He briefly pondered the logistics of the situation. "Uh…"

Xxxx

Seriously? Allen had to fight the urge to roll his eyes. Instead he put on the cutest most vulnerable front possible. He rolled onto his back curling his legs slightly to the side, subtly drawing attention to their paleness and slender length. He propped himself up on one arm and brought his other hand to rest just bellow his lips, accentuating the pout and nervous teary-eyed yet still willing look.

It had the desired effect, The older exorcist went into full on lust mode and thrust the bottle at him growling, "Here you do it."

Allen blushed but he didn't argue.

Xxx

Allen was clothed only in the rosy flush of embarrassment as he slowly inserted a single slick finger into his own entrance.

He looked up demurely from beneath long lashes to find the other gazing at him with heart stopping intensity.

"K-Kanda?"

"Hurry up." The samurai replied, taking off his own shirt.

This time Allen did roll his eyes, but in an adorable and not really sarcastic way. "So impatient."

He added another finger.

A mildly menacing "Moyashi" got sent back at him.

Allen dropped it, they could fight later, and added a third finger, wincing a little.

Kanda merely unzipped his pants.

After several seconds, Allen nodded.

Xxx

The Moyashi let out a little yelp of pain as Kanda impaled him without bothering to lubricate his cock first.

The tears in Allen's eyes were real this time but Kanda was only mildly concerned. The boy had said that he was ready. He vaguely realized otherwise when Allen half-heartedly punched his shoulder and muttered "Ba-Kanda."

Well he should have said something then.

It didn't really matter, Moyashi was tight as hell and Kanda had no intention of stopping. He shifted backward into a sitting position pulling the other boy with him so that he came to rest sitting astride the samurai's lap. This had the added benefit of making Allen wrap his arms around the older boy's shoulders (lest he be knocked over).

Purely by luck it was also the perfect angle, letting him hit Allen's prostate with every thrust.

Allen mewled, looked up at him with big grey doe and placed a soft kiss against his cheek.

Kanda lost it. He set an even more brutal pace and, purely by instinct, one of his hands left Allen's hips to stroke the boy's cock.

Allen's back arched to an almost impossible degree and he mewled "Kanda" as he climaxed.

The velvety clenching of Allen's inner walls caused Kanda to climax as well, with a muffled growl that started with an "A" and ended with an "en."

He then promptly collapsed on top of his Moyashi.

To be continued…

A/N: It's not over yet. What will Allen do when he finds out he was 'used'? (hint: he will NOT go emo). And again the whole 'Kanda' vs. 'Yu' thing will be settled later. Oh and I did a Yullen one-shot called "While the Inspector is Away."

Reviews are made of love!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Kanda, who has more 'traditional values', assumes that they are dating or whatever. Allen, who grew up with Cross, doesn't know that.

The next morning the boys were a sticky, crusty mess. Kanda woke up first and, in an uncharacteristic show of kindness, cleaned them both up; hushing the Moyashi back to sleep when he began to stir.

He got ready and headed out to practice with Mugen, liberally cussing out everyone he encountered on the way. This included an overly cheerful Lavi.

Xxxx

Allen woke up in an unfamiliar place, which he was used to. He was surprised, embarrassed and slightly terrified to realize that he was in Kanda's rooms. Naked. Alone.

The mere fact that the samurai had left, without even a note, spoke volumes. Clearly Allen was mistaken in thinking that his feelings were returned. He wasn't that upset, he was Cross' disciple after all, but he was determined. He wasn't going to be pathetic. He was gonna seduce the crap outa Kanda. But cunningly, so that the older boy wouldn't suspect a thing.

Needless to say, when Lavi came bouncing into the cafeteria and cheerfully exposed the whole 'gray eyes equal spell removal' thing, the Moyashi was totally disgruntled and hell bent on revenge.

Xxxx

Komui was in his office waiting for an irate Kanda to burst in so that he could say, "Just kidding. The device won't be deactivated until your brain chemicals mimic those of a person in love! Or at least a strong attachment to someone."

The chance never came. Later, when Kanda came in swearing up a storm (but surprisingly not slaughtering anyone), Komui couldn't help but smile. Ah, young love!

It also removed two candidates from the list of his sister's potential suitors!

To be continued….

A/N: I might have Allen and Lavi being flirty and cuddly (only to make Kanda jealous). If anyone hates the idea let me know now.

Reviews are made of love!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: After a brief consultation with Joe and George I have reached a decision. (Joe liked the idea and George **hated** it but we managed to reach a consensus.) So, here we go:

"Hey, Lavi?"

"Yes, Allen?"

"Um, would you like to help me get revenge on Kanda?"

"I thought you'd never ask!"

The two of them set about thinking up strategies that would punish Kanda while at the same time wining him over. Various ideas were posed, from blackmail to cat-ears but they all seemed a little flat or unnecessarily complicated. In the end it was Lenalee (who had come to collect them for a mission) who came up with a feasible plan.

The boys were resistant at first but it was the best plan. Jealousy is a great motivator and would expose Kanda's true feelings (and give Lavi something else to bug him about).

Xxxx

Fate was on the Moyashi's side. He was being sent on a mission with Kanda and Lavi.

Allen forgot all about the plan until an hour into their train ride. He had been too busy pretending to read the book that Lavi had lent him and trying to ignore the fact that Kanda was sitting directly across from him.

Xxxx

Lavi who had not forgotten, casually stretched out his arms, sliding one across Allen's shoulders… and leaving it there. Stage one complete. (Well he had glomped Allen in the supervisor's office but that was mainly run of the mill Lavi behavior.)

Allen was starting to have serious second thoughts about going through with this. It was kind of akward and the whole plan could easily blow up in their faces.

Xxxx

Never in his life had Kanda been so pissed at the stupid rabbit. Lavi was a grade A nuisance . During mission briefing the bastard had dared to hug his Moyashi, and then he had the gall to sit on the couch between them.

The Usagi's assholeness had carried over onto the train. The spot next to Allen was his dammit! Now, oh, Kanda truly wanted to hack the smug bastard into tiny little pieces. The only thing that stopped him was the thought of Allen's reaction.

And what the fuck had gotten into Allen anyway? The Moyashi hadn't spoken to him, or yelled at him either. In fact, he seemed determined to ignore him all together.

Xxxx

Lavi had just had a brilliant idea! He bent down a little and whispered it into Allen's ear, trying not to laugh as the vein on Yu's forehead started to throb.

Allen squirmed a little at the intensity of Kanda's gaze but he decided to play along anyway. It was tolerable and unlikely to get them killed (or so he hoped).

And so it came to be that about half an hour later, Allen 'drifted off' against the redhead's shoulder. Lavi, for his part, merely patted the boy's head and cooed, "Aww! Yu, look he's sleeping!"

Xxxx

What the fuck? Kanda glowered at Lavi willing the bastard's head to explode.

The junior bookman smiled cheekily and gave him a one shouldered shrug.

The trained pulled into the station just as Kanda was about to go for his throat (with Mugen of course).

Xxxx

The jostling woke Allen (who had truly fallen asleep at some point). He pouted and rubbed heavy lidded eyes before looking between the older boys with confusion.

Xxxx

Later while scoping out the area, Kanda stopped at the inn and reserved two rooms.

To be continued…

A/N: So hopefully that was acceptable for everyone. I moved the more flirtatious stuff to another (upcoming) Yullen fic, which will basically consist of Kanda walking in on Allen and Lavi in (deliberately) awkward situations. (Basically Allen doesn't believe that Kanda likes him, so Lavi sets out to prove it).

Reviews are made of love. (And if you have any ideas for 'awkward situations' I want to hear about them! ( It just can't be full on Laven because it'd make George cry))


	9. Chapter 9

The day had been pretty uneventful. They'd killed a few low level akuma and Kanda had been pissed that the small German city they were in had none of his precious soba.

They decided to call it a day and returned to the inn. Allen made to follow Lavi into one of the rooms.

Kanda grabbed him by the back of the collar and hauled him towards his room instead (which was conveniently a few doors down).

"Ba- Bakanda! What are you…?" Allen sputtered, trying to avoid being strangled by his own coat.

"Aww Yu! That's mean! I wanted to play with Allen!"

"Fuck off. The Moyashi is mine. Touch him again and I'll kill you."

"Wha-what?"

"Aww! Allen, Yu loves you!"

"SHUT UP!"

Xxxx

Kanda threw Allen onto the bed and locked the door (even though no one, not even Lavi, would ever be stupid enough to bother them), before rounding on his captive.

Allen was still in shock. He was Kanda's? Since when? Why hadn't anyone told him?

Xxxx

The samurai's eyes narrowed, "Moyashi…. Why the hell to you look so damn surprised?"

"You... you never said! And my name is Allen!... " He tried to think of a suitable insult for the older boy, but nothing came to him. Ah! "… Yu!"

Kanda growled and Allen blanched.

"Lets get one thing straight, you fucking call me that in public and I'll turn you into Moyashi nuggets. Understand?"

Allen nodded frantically.

"Good."

They stared at each other for a second, wide gray eyes meeting angry black ones.

Allen pouted ever so slightly and Kanda snapped, lunging at his cut little boyfriend.

Breathy cries of "Yu!" and lusty growls of "Moyashi," or alternately "Allen," could be heard as far away as Lavi's room.

Xxxx

The next day a very worn out Moyashi fell asleep on the train, his head somehow ending up in Kanda's lap. And he remained that way until they arrived back at the order.

Though he crinkled his eyes and giggled, Lavi said nothing. Allen deserved a rest after fighting all those akuma, especially since he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, and if Yu got really angry the poor thing would probably have ended up on the floor. Besides, it would be more fun to bug them in front of Lenalee and see the look on her face too.

The End!

A/N: I have four different Yullen fics in the works (only one of which contains trace amounts of Laven). So yeah, you haven't heard the last of me.

Speaking of which, which one should I write first? (I'll probably end up doing more than one at a time, but I want to know which should be my 1st priority.)

1) Kanda and Allen are already dating (for maybe a few months). Allen finds got that Kanda is "cheating" on him (Allen heard him sparing w/ Lavi and they were panting and stuff, very mild). Kanda admits to it (he thought Allen was talking about something else), Cross gets involved and etc. Um it'd be fairly long too.

2) Kanda snaps and has his way with Allen, who likes it but protests and fights back half heartedly (Because he's under the mistaken impression that that's what men like). Kanda freaks out because he thinks he raped him. Allen is confused as to why Kanda is avoiding him. Kanda tries to apologize but ends up ravishing him again. It has a happy ending though, and will be about medium length.

3) Everyone says that Kanda likes him, but Allen isn't so sure. Lavi proves it by molesting him (pretty mildly) until Kanda snaps. Another medium length one.

4) Allen, Kanda and the couch in Komui's office. A two shot.

So yeah let me know what you want to see and if you have any other ideas let me know about those too.

Reviews are made of love.


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